Helicopter parenting

Back in the days when Kate was a toddler, and Leo not even thought off, and we lived in London, I marveled over the amount of organized activities some SAHM's would schedule for their children. There was singing, music group, toddler tumble, baby swim, story telling and pottery class in abundance. Every day, another thing they needed to get to in time, and that always seemed to clash with nap times and feeding routines.

I would bump in to a mother friend on my way to the play ground and she would be busy maneuvering her stroller on to the bus, rushing to get from playgroup to baby ballet, "I don't have time to chat right now, let's meet for coffee next week." We'd never make it to coffee.

As I was studying for my MA and Kate was at nursery 2 full days a week, the days we had at home together, I simply didn't have the energy to have to be somewhere at a certain time. I needed to take the day as it came. We would hang out with friends in the play ground for hours, go for long walks and find pine cones in the park, weather permitting, or just have a four hour long play date which consisted of Kate and her friends turning the apartment up side down while me and the other mothers would drink endless pots of tea, read gossip magazines and talk about how sleep deprived we were. And I admit, we would scoff at the poor mother's who had signed up to a life with screaming kids on the public transport, constantly going somewhere, never ever standing still long enough to take a deep breath.

Then I moved to California. Kate started Pre-K. And if I thought mother's over-subscribed their kids in London, I was in for a huge reality check. Suddenly, baby swim and toddler music seemed like free play compared to Mandarin lessons, yoga classes, Violin and Arithmetic for pre school Einsteins which were all norm rather than exception. And that's not counting the weekend activities which were all out doors, and sports based. Soccer practice twice a week, and two games on Saturday. And then off for some light mountain hiking. By the way, this is 4-year old's we're talking about.

I have always felt that we are doing our children a disservice by over-scheduling organized activities. Along with activities comes and enormous amount of pressure to perform and become better (well, best) of your peers. The activities are not for fun - they are competitive and strenuous and will leave children feeling that if they are not the best, they are simple not good enough. But apart from physically exhausting our kids and turning them in to self conscious wrecks , we are also taking away the ability to figure out who they are, and what the world is all about. And most of all: we are not letting them be bored.
All kids needs to be bored. They need to learn to become creative with play and time. They need to develop their imagination. And they don't need a mother who drives them from swimming to hockey in five minutes flat, they need a mother who sits next to them on a sofa and talks about dragons, and dolphins and why the earth might be flat after all.

According to a new book by American therapist David Code, To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First, this problem is now recognized as "helicopter parenting", which "creates anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children." He has a simple formula for happier kids: take the focus away from your children and move it on to your marriage instead. Because another side-effect of helicopter parenting are less time to spend with our spouse leads to empty and unhappy marriages. This could be one reason why divorce rates in the US are sky rocketing right now.

So cut down on the activities! Start to actually spend time with your little one's. Listen to what they have to say. Get down on their level and see how they experience the world, and still have time over to give your husband a hug.

Oh, the irony, the irony

After finding out her husband had an affair, my FoF is going through a painful divorce and and an even more painful reality check where she has to re-evaluate almost every memory she has as a happy married mother of three. Needless to say, she's having a lot of counseling to help her through this. But what is even worse is that this is also taking it's toll on the children. The two eldest are acting out, and their school work is suffering, so they too are going to weekly counseling sessions. This isn't how she'd ever imagine her life to be.

The husband thinks she's a drama-queen who's using the children to take revenge on him in the only way she can: financially. He has threatened to stop paying for the children's counseling as he is sure his wife is only out to get him.
- It's too expensive, he says. I can't afford to pay for this on top of the mortgage on the house and the rent for my apartment.
Next week he's going to Europe on business combined with pleasure along with his co-worker slash mistress.

Oh, the irony of it all.

Let's forget about the last fifteen years of our lives

My friend of a friend (my FoF), who's husband has been cheating on her, is very anxious to keep the marriage going. She still loves him and want to fight for him. Most of all, she doesn't want her children to grow up in a broken home. He agrees to go to counseling together to talk some things through. Suddenly, in the therapist-room, he trows a bombshell.
- I have never been really happy in this relationship. It feels like you're suffocating me.
My FoF is going mad.
- The wedding, the children, moving in to our house. All of which should be the happiest day's in our life. And they made him more and more un-happy.

The incredible thing is that she is still willing to work through it. She cries, and screams, and goes through roller-coaster rides of emotions, but she's willing to take him back.

When I was a little girl I dreamt of being a.... penniless divorced mother of three. Then I would live happily ever after.

I bumped in to a friend of a friend in the book store the other day. She looked pale and tired and in desperate need of a good meal. I haven't seen her for a while, so after the pleasantries I asked her how the holidays had been, and that's when the flood-gates opened.
- Oh God, she said, trying to hold the tears back. I can't do it any longer. If I don't tell anyone I will go mad.
Turned out her husband left her.

Usual story, nothing new. The classic.
He starts acting strange and absentminded, takes even less of an interest than usual in the kids. Does over-time, working late, going on spur-of-the-moment business-trips and when he is home he sits in front of the computer or receiving text-messages at inappropriate times.

All the tell-tale signs of someone who's met a single, late-twenties, no-children, no-commitments, no-obligations woman from work. And two weeks prior to my meeting her in the aisle by self-help section and
sociology at Borders, he moved out, asking her to not only put a brave face on for the kids and the in-laws over the turkey-stuffing and Christmas carols, but also to please not tell anyone until he's had a chance to figure out what he'd like to do.
- Do, as in what? I ask. Hasn't he done enough?
- He'd like time to figure out if he's gonna stay with me or with her, she sighs.
- It doesn't really feel like he can make any demands at all, I say.
- What can I do? she asks. He's got the money. And I'd be left looking after the kids. The little help I got from him before was better than no help at all.
She's quiet for a little while, than she says:
- He says he's been un-happy for a long time. He says that I stopped being fun. It's like he's saying it's my fault he had an affair.
She adds sarcastically:
- Well, I could have been more fun if I wasn't so exhausted all the time. I look after three kids 24 hours a day! If he stopped playing golf and started to spend a little more time at home, maybe I'd find the time and energy to give him some attention. If he stopped acting like one of my kids, and started acting like my equal and partner.
She put the book back in the shelf for self-help and amateur psychology.
- You know - I don't need this. This is war. He can bring it on!