We like to go around in circles

One of the multitude of things that I argue with my husband about is the weekend shopping trip to Safeway. If I have planned to do something with Kate, my daughter, we have to plan this around him, and it turns in to a really big deal and at the end of the day, I am left at home with the kids, like I am the rest of the week, while we all wait for him to get back. The reason? He doesn't want to bring Leo, the toddling terror.
- What the fuck?! I say every time.
- It's just easier if I can do it alone.
- What the fuck!! I say again.
- It's a hassle bringing him, and it will delay me getting him in and out of the car. Easier to just do a quick in and out. (My husband doesn't do anything 'quick'. Rustling up a chicken salad takes him the best part of two hours.)
- What the-, I say again. What the eff do you think I have to do every day? Do you think I stay at home all day? I just have to suck it up and do it. Toddling Terror in tow. That's how it works. That's life.

Ex: I take him to the local grocery store, get him out of the car and in to a trolley, which I then can't leave for even a second in fear of him either falling down trying to pull himself up the shelves or him shop-lifting every single bag of Goldfish he can find. I then put him back in to the car, load the bags, take him to the corner store where I take him out and carry him in to the store because the aisles are too narrow to push the stroller around. I queue for what seems an hour by check-out, nearly breaking my back holding and distracting Toddling Terror from eating all the strategically-placed-right-in-front-of-us-croissants only to learn that it is cash only for parking meter cards, and I have the grand total of a dollar in my pocket, and so, strap him back in to his car seat, drive all the way to the hardware store where it takes me ages to find parking. I have to unload the shopping in order to get the stroller out of the back, and then, as I come back 15 minutes later, I have to do it all again before heading home. And that's one hour of one day, and a good day at that.

- And you are moaning about taking him to Safeway? They even help you out to the car with the bags if you ask them to!
- Well, you do it then. I stay home with the kids and do window art.
It's a foul cop-out and of course, I don't go for it.

There's two issues here.
Issue Uno would be that on weekends, I really like to get myself out of the things that I spend so much time doing weekdays. Like negotiating yet another snack-time, fighting another tantrum over toilet-roll I'd like to not be rolled out all over the bathroom and so on. So sure, technically, I should take him up on the offer.
But issue number Dos is, I'd like my everyday routines to come as naturally to him as they have had to to do to me. I've had to learn, and master the craft of coping with everything with a child glued to me, I've done it skill-fully, and so should he. We are equals and should share everything. Why should he demand get-out-of-jail cards? Do what you have to do and stop moaning about it!

( I know that he would argue that if we are equals why do I keep nagging him to change the spot-lights in the living-room, why not change them myself? And why do I always, always leave old food in the fridge and wait for someone else to find it? Why do I call his bedside table a sorry mess while mine is organized clutter? Well, what can I say? If I was perfect, it wouldn't be much fun being married to me. And by the way, this wasn't about me, it was about him.)

When all is said and done you still have to live under the same roof

One of my best friends and I were talking the other night and broached the subject of marriage after children.
- It's a fact, she said. We are still happily married, and we love each other, but our relationship has fundamentally changed since the kids. It is impossible to be the people we were before them.

One thing that I really didn't expect from motherhood was that my relationship with my husband would change so drastically. We went from being best friends with benefits and added bonus on top to two very tired, angry people who argued, and argued, and then argued some more. Seven years later we are still married, and we would probably define our marriage as a happy one, but it's like my friend said: we are different people, in an different place, and there's no turning back.

Priorities change, the balance within the household suddenly starts weighing very much in favor of the man, it seems, and time, that dreaded, wretched time factor becomes so acutely prominent and suddenly, that rock-solid thing called love, that you thought you had for granted, turns so incredibly fragile that you run the risk of ruining what what you have by every new damn argument over who's turn it is to do the dishes.

An average argument, of course, would be who's right it is to feel more tired. We're both light sleepers, so we both wake up at night if the kids do, and we both find it hard to go back to sleep. Next day, he's going in to the office, sitting in front of his computer, and I'm trying to keep it together for the kids whilst fretting over the fact that this is yet another day when I am too tired to do all those things I need to do, take those pictures I promised my friend, write that short-story I've been meaning to send of for so long. By the time my husband and I see each other again some time in the early evening, bed-time routine beckons and we are fighting over who should bath the kids, who should help with home-work, and who should just have the right to crash on the sofa, because, by God, we are having a competition about who is more tired, comparing notes on how many times we were close to nodding off during the day.
- I did homework yesterday.
- Yeah, but I bathed two kids, and read three stories.
- But I made their beds two days ago.
- So, I do that all the time?
- But I am so tired. I had x meetings and no lunch.
- I had x melt-downs and no dinner.
- I haven't even had a chance to sit down all day.
- And me? What do you think I have been doing all day?
- I really am more tired. I only slept five hours.
- Only slept 4,5.

You get the idea....

Most of the time, I'd say, nine out of ten times, we manage to solve the arguments calmly and nicely and we both know that we are going through a stage in our life where logic and reason really don't feature but still, ten out of ten times, before the "I'm sorry"s and the make-ups, I will have had "This is it, I won't have it anymore, this time I'll f****ng divorce him!" played on repeat in my head first.
That's just it. You go from being so passionatly and madly in love with your partner and the relationship you have together to being tolerably respectful but also hating and loathing each other more than you ever thought was possible.
A lot of people can't see it through. Divorce-rates in families with young children are sky-rocketing.
Personally, my husband and I are doing our best, but sometimes, every day is an on-going struggle.
To be continued....