I like reading the Bad Mommy Blogger and this post could have been me writing it. Of course I had to reply to it.

Playground twist

There is still tension in Kate's friendship circle and she is beginning to get pushed out. She has started to play with some other girls at recess, and I am strongly encouraging this. It is like reliving primary school all over again, all the politics and strategies, there is nothing new, nothing changes in children's games.
I feel sorry for Kate, but I am also very proud of her for sticking to what she believes in. They are three girls: the manipulator, the follower, and Kate who's kind of the mediator. The manipulator is using bribes and promises on the follower, but it didn't work on Kate and I guess that is why she being deemed an un-safe bet. Kate doesn't like bribes. She wants loyalty, and most of all, she wants to just play. She doesn't like the politics and that's why she's walking away.
So I am sad for her because she's loosing her friends, but so, so happy that she is doing what she believes is right, instead of sticking with a bad deal.
That takes courage!

Ms Paltrow

As much as I need the time off, when I am away from my children for more than 24 hours I tend to start missing them. By the time I come back home from wherever I am, I tend to wonder why I needed to get away from them so desperately in the first place. But I am a firm believer that parents and children do need time off from each other - absence makes the heart grow fonder, that is very true.

The British paper Guardian slammed Gwyneth Paltrow for one of her recent quotes. The mother of two told a reporter that being away from her children is often the within the nature of her work, and that she would miss her children like crazy. She added that she would cry in her trailer thinking about her off springs taking a bath at home. This is what got the columnist Deborah Orr's back up: it is OK to say that we miss our children, but crying - but admitting to cry (this detail is unclear) is over-indulgent, and only feed in to the belief system that women become weaker and less dependable in professional situations after they have children.

Fair point or harsh criticism?

I myself don't tend to cry when I think about my children. I am not consumed by over-whelming, gut-wrenching guilt if I happen to miss my children's bed time routine for a few days. The thought of them usually makes me smile, not cry. I am confident in my abilities as a mother, and 100% sure that my children are happy even when I am not around.
But was I so inclined, like Ms Paltrow, to break down in the lonely company of myself, every time I thought of my children, and if me missing them became such an over-whelming feeling of sadness, I would probably choose to try to arrange my work-parenting situation accordingly.
I hate to say this, but Ms Paltrow is fortunate enough (and this is a huge privilege) to afford a certain flexibility in her life choices, something a lot of us simply can't do.

I know what you did last summer....

I don't belong to any local online parenting sites, and today I was reminded on why. I had tea and a play date at a friends house when she told me that she had joined one of the local forums but that it was beginning to get on her nerves as all the postings was either heated arguments about vaccinations, breast and bottle feeding and stay at home versus work.
And one other thing:
Nanny-bashing.
Every day she read at least one new thread along the lines of:
To the mother of the toddler in a green stroller with a nanny wearing x in such and such park/playground/library/toddler group - please be aware that your nanny let your child cry for 30 seconds before responding,
or
did you know that your nanny doesn't wipe his/her nose properly after sneezing.

Some of the alerts were more serious. Like: she talked to her friends while your child was about to climb up the play-structure/walk out of the playground/put a small, unidentified object in his/her mouth.

This is such a huge, gaping big black hole of a grey area that it is hard to cover it all in one small blog post.
As a mother with a part-time nanny I am the first one to admit that I would like to know everything, I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, that goes on while they are together. But on the other hand: I wouldn't have employed her in the first place if I didn't feel one hundred and a gazillion percent sure that I could trust her with my child.
Thing does happen, though, there are enough scary stories in the papers to prevent us from feeling completely relaxed about leaving our children in a paid care situation.
I just do hope that the people posting these alerts have a very genuine reason for doing so and are not simply exaggerating a perfectly normal situation. How can we know? We won't. We just have to trust our better judgement, the alerter, as well as the parent on the receiving end.

End off

The email from the pre-school arrived a few hours ago, we have space.
Another thing to tick of my list.
I am relieved. I really sympathise with those families who are still fighting the powers that be regarding the children's school, may it be pre-school, kindergarten or higher. Something that should be so obvious: good, reliable, safe and affordable childcare and education, is one of the most frustrating and stressful processes parent's have to endure in this country.

Bed time

If I had a dollar for every night Leo kicks up a tantrum when I utter the word Bedtime, I would be living in a very big house with no mortgage right now.
I don't get this. How can it come as a surprise, night after night after night. It's seven o'clock - time for bed.
Darn it - tonight again??? But I went to be last night. And the night before that!!!
This is one of the most boring, predictable, and downright frustrating parenting - routine's, I think. You are so tired anyway, and to have to fight, yet again, the same battle, abuse the same arguments, listen to the same falsetto crying - again, is torture.
This is one of the only times I actually wish I was a man, or my husband, to be more specific. All he has to do is to use a very serious voice, and there are no tears, just plain sailing.
It's so unfair.

I think my stress and sleepless nights paid off: I think Leo has a pre-school place in September. It's a half-day immersion program in a very intimate setting, great outside space and nice in-door facilities, not too far away from our home!
I need to see this in email-writing before I can fully relax (I happened to run in to one of the administrator's today and she told me she was just about to email me) but she wouldn't say this if she didn't mean it, would she???
Up-date to follow, but I think I can sleep well tonight!

Tell me what you think!

Speaking of autism, this advertising campaign is running across the UK prior to the general election. The mother behind the campaign (and the face on the picture) was interviewed on BCC's Woman's hour a few days ago and she said that unfortunately, two perky breasts was the only thing she could think off that she'd be sure would draw enough attention to the cause.

I feel very divided. In one way I think it is a bold and courageous statement, on the other hand I think it is a sad state of affair in the country of tabloids and page 3 models.
So what do you think?
Clever or just plain sexist?

Hard knock life

Today I was chaperoning when Kate's school went on a theater field-trip. It was a normal trip, some hyper-activity due to excitement or boredom, some arguments, some laughter and an OK production of a children's story I had never heard of before.
On our way out, there were the usual scrum for the stairs and I got caught behind a little boy around 4 years old who was trying to slide down by holding on to the rails. I didn't pay much attention 'cos I was busy not loosing sight of the kids when the mother urges to boy to step out of the way and then turns to me, very flustered and apologetic:
- I am so sorry. He's A-U-T-I-S-T-I-C.

I was very taken back by this. Not only did the boy display what I find is normal, healthy, physical boy-behavior. There was absolutely no need for the mother to apologise, and defiantly no need to use her child's condition as excuse. I didn't even think twice about what he was doing, after all, every single boy and half of the girls in Kate's class had been sliding down the same rails 30 seconds earlier.

I felt really bad. Is this what us parent's do to each other? Do we make each other feel so inadequate that we feel the need to constantly define our children openly in order to have them and their traits "explained and excused"? Imagine me trying to cover up the rambunctious behavior of a school class of 19 trying to keep quiet during a theatre performance:
- I am so sorry. They are E-I-G-H-T Y-E-A-R O-L-D-S.

We're taking a few steps

We must be the only family in the world who are looking to deliberately downsize by moving from a single family house to a condo.
Well, maybe not really downsizing, anyone's who's spent any time in my rented home knows it's not a big space, but it is single family (ie: no sensitive neighbors underneath or noisy ditto's upstairs.)
But after two years, we have finally given up the impossible quest for the perfect house in the right location because let's face it: for under 3 mil it doesn't exist. Instead, we are condo-hunting, and hopefully reaping some of the benefits along with this, smaller mortgage being the biggest (and maybe only) one so far.
I am meeting with a broker who has worked in our area for 30 plus years. Let's hope she can spot the right deal for a family of four - we certainly can't seem to find it.
Fingers crossed.

Happy, messy home

It's taken a stupid long time since last blog post again. It's been spring break, and I have taken the opportunity to spend some time with the family.
On Saturday we went to dinner at some friends who have children the same age as Kate and Leo. It was a lovely home, very inclusive, toys in every corner and children's artwork on the walls. The kids shared the bigger of the two bed rooms and but they had still very much put their imprint of the rest of the living space as well. I envy these homes, because I always get the feeling that these are happy, loving homes to families that are very much in harmony with each other. I think I actually need to infuse a little warmth in my own home and not be so ready to tidy away the toys as soon as it's gone time for teeth brushing.
I just don' really cope well with abandoned toys on the floor. I don't mind it when I visit other families, but when I have to live in a chaos of Barbie clutter and scattered Hot wheels cars myself I break out in a rash.

Tonight I am going to try to leave the Tonka fire engine and the building blocks on the floor in the dining room and ignore the sea of crayons and paper crumbs on the rug in the living room. I am going to walk right past the sneakers hiding behind the book bag and forget the pile of Duplo's that are invading the kitchen floor.
Let's see how far I can make it.

Conversations with Kate

Kate talked about some boys in her class today. She came to the conclusion that they were quite sensitive and over reactionary a lot of the time.
- If they don't win the game they are playing they say that the other person is cheating, and if that person says "no I didn't" - because they probably didn't - they will start crying. Or they get really angry.
- Who are these boys? I ask, and Kate give me some familiar names.
I can't help but plant a seed in her head.
- Isn't it funny, I say, that these are the same boys that are saying that boys are better than girls, and that girls can't do anything.
- Yeah. I guess so.
- Think about that the next time they tease you for getting an answer wrong. Think about who the real cry-baby is.

I know this is a gung-ho approach to Feminism 101 when it comes to your 8 year old daughter, but I need to grab every opportunity. It's a jungle out there, and sisters need to be doing it for themselves.

The Mother Trap

My husband and I have started counseling to iron out some of the stress-related issues we have, and we came to this conclusion: US is finally getting to me.
The overwhelming feeling of not being in control over my life is consuming me from the moment I wake up til the second I go to sleep at night. The fear of forgetting to do something, everything - the constant worry that my elaborately designed work-flow will collapse around me and that I will fail.
I have been caught up in the Mother-Trap, the very trap I have been writing about and heavily criticized for the last year.
This shall be continued....

And here we are complaining about today's youth.

Kate's friend asked me for a cinnamon bun after school and I happily gave her one from my bag (no, I didn't make them, a friend did...).
- Thank you. You are so polite, said the little eight year old.
- How sweet, I said to Kate as we walked to the car.
- Yes. She's very mild mannered, Kate replied.

8 going on 65?