Pre school update

So sheer determination, or rather: good old-fashioned hard cash, paid off, and next week I have two tours at pre-schools with guaranteed availability.
Fingers crossed I will like them.
That would be one less stress to cross of my very long list of things that keep me up at night.

More pre school

I had a meeting with the "school-hunter" today. They had a couple of suggestions lined up for me that I tried out as soon as I got back home.
On the whole, they didn't do anything that I couldn't have done on my own, with some sheer determination and stubbornness, but I tell myself that their name weighs heavier than mine when it comes to the phone calls.
Fingers crossed - I'll keep you posted.

Flying without baggage

I belong to a mother/toddler group where most mothers happen to be expats, just like myself. We do the usual stuff, playground get-togethers, the occasional early dinner with a glass of wine, and an emailing list for general chit chat and advice.
The other day I got this email:

I am planning to fly to Europe this summer, with my two children (5 and 1 years old) - if anyone is planning on flying around the same time it would be great to have some company. It would make kids entertaining and potty visits much easier.

I am the first one to admit that mother's have to stick together, and we should really be there for each other.
But on an 10 hour plus flight, I really want to get my kids of to sleep and then try to get some much needed sleep myself before hell breaks loose again at the luggage claim and passport control. Getting in sync - and looking after - another two kids is not my idea of even a remotely less stressful journey.

I apologise profusely, but I won't be good travelling company.
Sorry

In the papers

Yet another article from the British newspaper The Guardian, dealing with the constant guilt that overwhelms mother's who feel useless and as if what they are doing is never good enough.

Solutions?

I am throwing money at the problem, and will pay a professional "school-hunter" to find a preschool place for Leo.
Its either that or basically have no sleep from now until mid-August.
I am meeting with her on Tuesday.

Girl trouble

There are trouble in Kate's world. Her two BFF's are kind of clicking up and carefully giving her the elbow. They make her feel left out. Often she comes home from school sad and quiet and in her own thoughts.
It kills me watching her, and having to try to give her pep talks when all I want to do is go down there and give those girls a piece of my mind. The thing with Kate is, for all of her eight years, she's incredibly loyal and without a doubt the best friend anyone could ever wish for. I really feel that she deserves the same thing back. I really would like to tell her to just turn her back on these girls, go re-group. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I keep quiet, because I can tell it doesn't do her any favors. There are plenty other girl friends out there. But Kate's loyalty (or insecurity?) tells her to stick with what she's got. And so the circle continues.

I give her very big hugs every night, and I keep telling her that she's an incredible little girl. That's all I can do for now.

Thank you

Thank you so much for the two lovely comments on yesterday's blogpost.
Now I just need to get my seven twitter followers to stay too. I twitter maybe once a week. I have a feeling that's not the kind of traffic they intended when they came up with the tweeting idea...
There is a lot going on at the moment. I have sleepless nights worrying about Leo's pre-school situation, and things are heating up between Kate and her two BFF's. They have decided to quietly give her the elbow. Her service's as friend are no longer needed. She comes home from school upset and sad. I feel helpless and useless. And also have strong bouts of de ja vue. It's like being back in school again - literally, reliving every single excruciating moment of the horrible time that was school, and so badly not wanting your daughter to have to go through the same thing herself. She'll be OK though. She's a tough cookie.
On top of that, the husband and I are beginning counselling next week.
This is an anonymous blog, so I can write about this. We need some help getting out of the negative spiral that is the every day of stressed out parents. Nothing to be ashamed about.
But it's all time-consuming, and time, as all parents know, is valuable, and scarce.
Thanks for staying with me,
love
angrymother

I am so sorry

I feel very ashamed because I haven't blogged for a long time now. The seven readers I have must be giving up on me by now. I am not proud of myself. I really wanted my blog to be buzzing with angry rants and cool tips about parenting, instead, there are occasional musings and long silences in between.
All I can say is that a mother has to take breaks too. A mother suddenly finds herself lost for words and overwhelmed with the daily stress of plain life.
Please, stay with me - I will come back.
I promise!!!

More about yesterday

So before getting all depressed about Leo's pre-school I had an acupuncture appointment and as I was talking to my Doctor she inquired about my general health. I started complaining about terrible PMS, bloating and discomfort.
- On top of that I am three days late.
She gave me a funny look.
- So you're not pregnant, then?
- No.
- How do you know?
- I don't believe in immaculate conception.
She laughed:
- Why not the second coming? Don't you think San Francisco would be ready for a Jesus?

After my appointment I went straight to Walgreen's and my husband, who sometimes reads what I write, will be pleased to know that Jesus is not coming to town, or, if he is, I am not his mother Mary.
Today was a little quieter, more of a normal, boring, kind of day. I like those days better.

Not a great start to the week

So all four of Leo's pre school app's have now been rejected, and I am finding myself feeling zapped of energy. The hard work has not even begun yet.

I didn't realize I would take it as personally as I did, especially by the one pre school who's actually met Leo as they had a personal play assessment with him - what do they mean by rejecting him? How dare they? He's the sweetest, funniest, and most adorable boy ever, have they no shame??

Home schooling seems like the most likely option right now.
And potty training, of course.
And moving back to Europe.

the List

Last night I watched the mediocre and only slightly funny movie Motherhood on DVD, you know the one starring Uma Thurman as a NY writer mom trying to juggle home, children and a sense of self (sounds familiar?) whilst all the elements go against her on a daily basis. Yeah, I don't think you have to fight street cleaning in the trendy Village neighborhood to feel that you are a lost cause, but there was one thing that struck a familiar chord with me, namely The List.

My lists, which are everywhere, multiple copies and nicely duplicated, don't read:

milk
dry cleaning
order birth day cake

No, a list is by the second re count of my life, down to the very last sip of coffee. Without The Lists, I would not function, and my family would collapse:

wake up
get dressed
throw PJ's in laundry basket
make breakfast
pack lunch
street cleaning (doesn't matter - we get tickets anyways)
fold laundry
make coffee
write email
write in email: Hi, would you like to come to dinner Saturday.
Call Doctor
Ask Doctor for renewed prescriptions of Everything
Email x, y, and z for playdates
pick up at school
bring snack in car
laundry in tumble dryer
fold laundry
food shopping (refer to another List)
call husband, tell him you love him
make lists for tomorrow
make lists for weekend
cross of things you've done on List
make coffee
peel potatoes
homework
don't forget to eat dinner
don't forget to drink 8 glasses of water
bed time
story time
relax
read book
don't forget to wash face before bedtime
check to make sure kids are in designated beds
kiss them good night
tuck them in
make sure you go bed before falling asleep on sofa
kiss husband goodnight
tell him you love him
sleep
wake up

Here we go

I had my first pre-school rejection letter yesterday. OK, so it was from one of the schools I applied to but didn't follow up with the tour since it was too expensive and not really my choice anyway, but there you go: the start of what might be a long line of very sad letters...

Couples maths

A friend of mine is going through a rough marital patch and has turned to couple's counseling.
- The worst thing is, I always felt that counseling was the first stop on the way towards the inevitable end, she says. It's like we're just giving ourselves a grace period because we're too chicken to take the finally step, too scared to face the truth. And ultimately, I think we actually both would like to go our separate ways.
They have two children in private school, and only one income. They live in a decent single family house that they are paying a big mortgage on, and the kids take a number of after school activities.

- The best thing for us would be to separate, and live apart, so that our arguing doesn't interfere with the kids all the time, but we simply can't afford it. We have to work this out. It's a financial cul de sac. We're spending a shed load of money to stay together because we can't afford to spend any money to move apart. Never mind the kids having their parents in the same house - this is cold, hard cash we're talking about.

So you paid for the over the top wedding, probably spending a little more than you could realistically afford on the caterer and the flower arrangements, and then you went all out on the family abode, now you are being punished for your audacity to be a little extravagant, and 'til love do us part is really just another way of saying: you made your financial bed now sleep in it you sucker.
So the best financial investment you can do as a family is to not make any financial investments, that way you can afford to have second thoughts somewhere down the road, should it not work out.
As for my friend, she's seeing the therapist once a week until she can't afford to any longer. By then she's keeping her fingers crossed that they can be civil enough to keep it together until the kids are in college.

Bad language

I don't mince my words when I get angry. In fact, it's like opening the floodgates to the well of doom.

When Kate grew up, a few bad one's slipped out every now and then, but Kate being the sensible daughter she was - and is - always knew that my choice of vocabulary was never to be copied.
Leo is a completely different matter.
Yesterday, he was sitting next to me, eating plums, while I was trying, and failing, to open a document on my lap top. Finally I let out a big sigh.
- Oh, f***, says Leo, spitting out a plum stone.

Later, I tell my husband. He laughs, and says:
- You need to go back to work full-time so that we can let the babysitter raise our son, 'cos you are a terrible mother.
I know he's right. Either that, or I need to go to charm-school.
- Oh, and I also think I might have heard him say s*** the other day.
- I rest my case, says husband. You're out.

When you are a failure

How long shall I keep on pretending that all is OK and that I have a normal child when there is clearly something wrong?
Went to play group today and within five minutes, Leo had managed to throw him self on the floor, kick and screaming, because one of the teacher said 'hello', he had snatched a toy out of a 4 months old hand, and pushed another girl three times, whilst growling at her.
Five minutes.
So I packed up and left.
I can't do the softly-softly voice anymore, negotiate and tell him, yet again, that we don't push, let's play nicely, and share.
Can't do it.
So I guess I am going to be pretty isolated from now on, and Leo will just become even more of a monster.
There is nothing that can make you feel like you've failed so utterly miserably as when your child as acting out in all the ways you thought you had raised him not to.

I've had friends who've told me that they stopped going to certain playgrounds or play groups, because their child couldn't behave. I always thought they gave in too easily. I thought: don't let your child run the show, and dictate the terms. It's your life, your day too, show him that he can't spoil it for you.
I know exactly what they are talking about now.

Ever heard of making it easy for yourself?

It's March, and I am im/patiently waiting to hear from the only two pre-schools we applied to, if Leo has a place after the summer.
Going against the grain, as I usually do, I decided against applying to 30 different schools, mostly because I didn't find 30 schools I like, and also because my life is not just about doing pre-school tours. I also don't have the money required for all the application fees. If my son's future will suffer from this, so may be it.
I also had to limit my choices extensively since I wanted a school that takes non-potty trained children. This is a huge deal breaker for me. I think life with a toddler is hard enough without added pressure. I also believe that potty training is something that the child should be ready for. If you start too early, and the child is not intellectually ready for this process, you are often in for a lot of hard work (and many, many changes of clothes and bed-linen).

This said, out of the two pre-schools I found, and that I really liked and applied to, one of them I have a slim to no chance at all in getting in to. It is hugely popular and the wait list is out of this world. So hat leaves me with only one choice. My number one choice, my only hope.
I have no idea how this will turn out.
I will find out, at some point this month.

There is always home schooling, I guess. Or we just have to live with the fact that while Kate is going to university, Leo will stay at home with us, for ever and ever.....

It's a hard knock life for us

The Booker Prize winner Hilary Mantel raised some interesting questions about motherhood in an article in the Guardian today, when she suggested that many women would benefit from having babies earlier in life rather than later, but that today's society is build around men's timetables and their idea of education and career as something that needs to be completed first.

Hilary Mantel argues an interesting point, and there is a lot that could be said about her opinions. Women have been fighting for decades for equality and their right to work outside the home. Should we suddenly turn out back on all this and go back to a notion where women are only designed for having babies?
Well, Mantel isn't saying that women should return to homemaking, but what she is saying is that the time when women reach their peak, in their twenties and early thirties, is when society pushes them in to finishing their educations and working hard for a career. This is what they have to do in order to compete with their male counterparts.
But if we could change society's perception of education and career, and rather see this as an on going process that can be developed in bursts throughout our lives, then we could focus on having children at an earlier time as well as fulfilling our working potential.